Black and Blue
by shira uma
Summary: Trowa contemplates his past in an abstract thought (correlates to only one of many theories about Trowa's past - DO NOT flame me if you happen to disagree with this POV.)


TITLE: Black and Blue  
  
AUTHOR: shira  
  
EMAIL: shira_uma@hotmail.com  
  
PAIRING: implied 4+3  
  
WARNINGS: Severe angst, implied yaoi, dark  
  
DISCLAIMER: Not mine, not making any money, go away  
  
Comforting light surrenders itself to the fearsome reign of darkness. Fight it, I try, but day in and day out, the dark is inevitable. I cannot exist without it, yet the feelings it brings remind me of my impending death. For with the blackness comes the fear, the alone, the loss, the humiliation, and my cold sweats, capturing me in its trance until the light is finally victor once again. The scenario repeats itself endlessly. And each revolution drives me closer to the brink of depression as my maturing mind makes greater realization of the meanings of past horrors and lost treasures.  
  
The dark brings with it the heathens of the past, taunting me with their images etched into the black. Their actions replaying in my memory. Their sounds echoing in my ears. Their smells burnt upon my sinuses so that forever more I will think of them whenever I sense similar things. Polluting my mind with the atrocities that have long been forgotten by everyone and everything but me. I push it all away, forcing it out, but there is no light to fill the void, and it returns in a rush, the same as the dark before. Haunting. Belittling. Reducing my insides to nothing more than the flesh and bones that they are made of. Stealing my heart. And therefore I am left emotionless.  
  
Enduring the initial pain does not measure up to the pain that I feel now. Physical pain, it's with you and then it's gone. But I am left with the scars of the emotional distraught that is slowly claiming the rest of me, claiming me from the prospect of a happy future one revolution at a time. Scarred for life? The fear that leaves me unapproachable, untouchable, unlovable, so I don't allow myself the feeling of love. There is no one for me to love anyway. I've lost so much in the past, but I don't even remember what it is that's gone. Love is so... permanent. I can't love, because I don't care whether the next light ever comes. If I stay in the eternal black does it really matter? The darkness is beginning to take over the light anyway and soon they will be one entity.  
  
So I risk everything that is me on missions that promise to one day keep me in the forever blackness. The only part of me that feels any satisfaction at all is still unsatisfied, waiting for the time when my mistake throws me into the permanent dark. I wonder... will the shadows that haunt my mind finally depart once I am living among them? I will become one with the shadows, one of their brood. And the possibility of happiness in the light will not cross my path any longer, because it will be the impossible. It already feels that way.  
  
But now my journey into the realm of blackness is different. Different in that I suddenly have the need to fight it again. I suddenly feel the urge to overcome the black and the embrace the light. There is a new presence in the black now, and it stands with me, swallowed by the dark with me, yet clearing the path to the next light for me. It won't let go of me. It fights the delusions and demons for me, trying to make me forget. Trying to make the shadows dissolve into nothingness where they can no longer torment my psyche and steal me from the world of the light. Side by side it battles the black with me now, the warmth of this presence beside me every step of the way, but I still don't understand. It pries into my barricaded heart, making me feel again. Making me feel the black again, but soothing the hurt with a flood of healing light. Healing. The presence is healing me. The presence is leading me back from the black and giving me my soul again. This presence... beckoning me to join with it... to trust it... to love it...  
  
Emerald windows to my soul open to embrace the light of possibility once more, meeting cerulean pools of liquid blue life...  
  
-finis. 


End file.
